Saturday, March 31, 2007

Dreams and Visions

We have doxycycline provided to use as an antimalarial prophylactic. One of the side effects, in some people, is vivid dreams. I have had some prophetic dreams in my life, but while taking the doxy, it's hard to tell what's prophetic, and what's just chemically induced.

Last night, for instance, I dreamt that I was standing by the edge of a pool, while my former wife was struggling to swim, and failing. I don't swim well, but I eventually jumped into the pool, stood underwater on the bottom, and pushed her up to the edge of the pool. Jeez.

I wanted to be able to be friends with my ex, but where the result of The Bad Stuff early in my life was for me to be angry, the result of her emotional baggage was fear. I've managed to lose most of my anger, but she hasn't lost her fear, and she seems to be afraid of me, for absolutely no reason. So, despite my desire to be friends with her, that doesn't really seem possible. I have removed her from my MySpace friends list, and stopped including her on my emailed updates..but with this dream, I felt I needed to at least check on her. Why must some people be tortured souls? Why can't we all just find healthy outlets, and get on with our lives? Some people just seem to be stuck, for lack of a better description, stuck in a miniature hell they can't find the exit to, confused and frightened. I feel for them, but you can't stay too close, or you'll get stuck with them. Ultimately, people have to save themselves.


HollyB said...

That is a very healthy view, John. And it's commendable that you want to be friends, but recognize the need for distance.

Matt G said...

I HATE being feared. I guess it's because I've always been a big man, and don't want to be a bully. I remember when I turned 9. I didn't want to be 9 years old, because I saw that age as one of a bully-- fully associating the age of a local antagonist with his actions a year before.

I would do almost anything to avoid being perceived as a bully-- even when doing something that would make someone fear me would be in everyone's best interests. (Example: tonight I had to pinch my older daughter for disobeying me. This was the first corporal punishment that I'd administered in many months. She sobbed, and when I came to her a few minutes later to talk, she winced and ran across the room away from me. I felt so terrible, I wanted to apologize and say that I was wrong. THAT would have sent mixed messages, and would have been bad parenting. The only message she needed was: don't disobey Daddy. [of course the unintended possible message that I was afraid of was: Daddy is to be feared. I hate that.])

Ask Dad about the dreams he had when he wore an active NicoDerm patch to bed. :)

phlegmfatale said...

I think you have a remarkably level-headed attitude about your ex. And yeah, stuck is how lots of folks seem to be - it's as if most people have one foot nailed to the floor and wear a groove around themselves going in the same circle. The funny thing is a person's single issue can be very obvious to everyone else, but the person himself can't see it. At least, that's my observation. Sometimes I want to ask a dear friend if they can tell me in a million words or less what is wrong with me, but I've never gone through with it. Before I ask the question, I hear the voice of Jack Nicholson saying "you can't handle the truth!"